


What We Deserve

by Halmaithor



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Magnus has it BAD for the archer boy, Multi, Post-Canon, and half of it turned into Magnus going 'LOOK at this beautiful man hot damn', seriously this was supposed to be angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-11 19:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21227333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halmaithor/pseuds/Halmaithor
Summary: ‘I’m afraid that one day, I’ll make one too many mistakes and you’ll realise that you deserve better. That you deserve someone who doesn’t leave you waiting for the next big fuck-up.’Alec knows that he loves Magnus, but he isn’t so sure that he deserves Magnus. Thankfully, that doesn’t seem to be the popular opinion.





	What We Deserve

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: A bout of arguing, a bit of swearing, some strategic drinking, and a whole lotta feelings. Please enjoy.

It was a stupid argument – if you could even call it that – and Alec knew it the moment he stormed out of the loft. But pacing around his office, waiting for his nine o’clock, he’s still too angry to care. Was it too much to ask – after the week from hell, dealing with condescending Clave officials – that when he left something on the side, it stayed there? By the time Magnus had found him upending the contents of his bedside table, he was running ten minutes late and was starting to realise that the smart move would have been to give up. But he was irritated, and stubborn, and it was the _principle _of the matter by that point.

And then Magnus had snapped his fingers, and the watch had appeared around Alec’s wrist. ‘I saw it on the side and put it in the jewellery box for safekeeping,’ he’d explained.  
But for some reason, Alec had just found himself more aggravated. ‘Alright, fine – next time I leave something out, don’t put it somewhere I can’t find it, okay? Not all of us can just wave our hands and summon whatever we want.’  
Magnus had frowned at his tone, but spoken calmly. ‘You could have asked me earlier. I was just trying to help.’  
‘Well, you didn’t,’ Alec had snapped, using his last bit of common sense to leave before he could say something he’d regret.

By lunchtime, he’s starting to suspect that he overreacted.  
A couple of hours later, he’s starting to suspect that he’s the absolute worst husband ever. _Magnus was only trying to help_, his conscience scolds. _He didn’t hide it on purpose, and he got it for you as soon as you asked._

He groans, letting his head fall to the desk.  
‘One of those days, huh?’  
He looks up to see Izzy in his doorway, her expression halfway between amused and concerned. ‘Yeah, you could say that.’  
‘Just came to drop this off,’ she says, laying a report on his desk. Instead of leaving, though, she settles into the chair opposite him. ‘Wanna talk about it?’ 

On an ordinary day, Alec would reassure her it was nothing and send her on her way. He’d resolve to apologise to Magnus, and get on with his work.  
But he really _has _had an awful week, and his regret piling on top of that has left him feeling low, maudlin. He sighs. ‘I yelled at Magnus this morning over something stupid, and now I’m feeling like an absolute tool.’  
Izzy rolls her eyes, but still manages to look sympathetic. Alec wonders if that’s a talent that all younger siblings have, or if it’s just her and Max that can pull it off. ‘So go apologise,’ she says. ‘And stop looking so mopey – he’s over five hundred years old and he’s got the perspective to match it. He’s not gonna divorce you because you had a bad day and lost your temper.’  
Alec laughs, but it comes out slightly bitter. ‘Yeah, you’re right. One day he’s gonna realise he deserves better, but it’s probably not today.’  
Izzy doesn’t laugh. Actually, she looks a little worried. ‘Do you really think that? Alec-‘  
‘It’s fine,’ he says, waving her away. ‘I’m kidding. Go on, get out of here.’  
‘Okay,’ she says, reluctantly letting the matter drop. She leaves, pausing briefly at the door. ‘We’re pretty much done for the day. Go see your husband.’

_Yeah,_ Alec thinks as she disappears around the corner. _That’s probably a good idea._

***

When he gets home, Magnus is sprawled on the couch with a heavily worn leather-bound tome open on his lap. His eyes flick up to Alec, his expression staying carefully neutral. ‘Hi,’ he says, before his gaze immediately returns to the book.

‘Hey.’ As if Alec wasn’t feeling bad enough. This isn’t Magnus giving him a well-deserved cold shoulder – he’s just leaving Alec some space, in case he’s still pissed. Even though Alec had no right to be pissed in the first place.  
Alec remembers when apologising used to be difficult, when he had a tough time swallowing his pride. Now, he can barely cross the room fast enough, hating the situation and wanting to fix it without another moment’s delay. He plants himself in the couch space at Magnus’ feet, gently laying a hand on his shin. ‘Listen,’ he says, and Magnus’ eyes meet his again. ‘I’m sorry. About this morning. I was a jerk, and I shouldn’t have let the stress get the better of me – especially when you were only trying to help.’  
Magnus’ face softens. ‘I forgive you.’ He leans forward, lightly squeezing Alec’s hand.

A moment later, he lights up in sudden excitement. ‘Ah! I have something to show you,’ he says, springing to his feet. ‘I found it whilst rearranging my grimoires today. Come on.’ He pulls Alec up from the couch, and Alec lets himself be led into the apothecary – half listening to Magnus, and half wondering how many times he can possibly get away with this.

***

Magnus has only just lifted his hand to knock when Simon opens the door. ‘Hi!’  
‘…Simon,’ he greets, raising an eyebrow.  
Simon grins. ‘Heard the portal,’ he explains.  
‘I’m not the only one who can create portals,’ Magnus points out, as Simon closes the door behind him. ‘You might have been blithely opening the door to someone much less friendly.’  
‘You’re _really _overestimating the number of warlocks I know.’ He has a point, of course. ‘I’ll go get the books.’ He disappears from the room to fetch the books Magnus loaned him – historical texts on the rivalries between werewolves and vampires. He’d borrowed them in an attempt to better understand his ‘new cultural heritage’, as he put it.

Magnus’ phone buzzes, and he smiles when he looks down to see a message from Alexander.

_Made a reservation for 8pm at Pagoda. See you there x_

‘Everything okay?’ Simon asks, reappearing with his arms full of Magnus’ books, barely able to see over the top of them.  
Magnus waves a hand, banishing the texts back to his apothecary table. He would reshelve them too, but that’s a bit of a nightmare to do remotely, so he’ll wait until he gets home. ‘Never better. Alexander and I are having dinner at _Pagoda _tonight.’  
‘I thought he didn’t like that place?’  
Simon’s right – Alexander has always found establishments like _Pagoda _‘stuffy and intimidating’, to use his own words. Magnus puts on a long-suffering sigh. ‘Yes, well, I _told _him to pick somewhere we _both _liked, but you know Shadowhunters. So stubborn.’  
‘Pretty sure that might just be a Lightwood thing,’ Simon jokes. ‘Still, that’s nice of him. I told Izzy that that whole thing about him not deserving you was bullshit.’

Magnus frowns. ‘What?’  
Simon’s eyes go wide, and if he were still human, he’d probably have turned scarlet by now. ‘Oh- I mean- because you guys worked things out, I assumed he’d told you…’  
‘Told me _what_?’ Magnus is starting to dislike the sound of this. Isabelle’s generally so supportive; why would she say something like _that_ to Alec?

Simon sighs, apparently realising he’s painted himself into a conversational corner. ‘Okay. But you didn’t get this from me, alright? I don’t wanna end up as target practice.’ He waits for Magnus to nod before he continues. ‘Okay – the other day, Izzy said that you guys had some sort of… argument? And she was kind of worried, because Alec seemed really down about it. She said that he thinks he isn’t good enough for you, and he reckons that one day you’re going to… realise that. Which Izzy and I both think is crazy,’ he adds hurriedly. ‘I mean, it’s _you _guys, you’re kinda perfect together.’

Yes, but to his surprise, Magnus is apparently the only one of them who’s noticed that.  
Well, he thinks grimly. At least his instincts are still top-notch. Turns out he doesn’t like this at _all_.

***

When Magnus meets his husband outside _Pagoda_, he’s entranced for a good few seconds, just standing there and blinking. The blue of Alec’s linen jacket gives the illusion of gold in his hazel eyes, and the softness of the hue is matched in his heather-gray pants. His dress shoes shine under the streetlights, his crisp white shirt is _just _unbuttoned enough that Magnus can see the entirety of his _deflect _rune, and his hair has the fluffed look of being freshly washed and blow-dried. Magnus can only stand and stare, because he’s bowled over by the heart-stuttering feeling of seeing _his _Alexander – not the soldier he first met, or the warrior that now leads the New York Institute, but the beautiful, kind man underneath that Magnus fell in love with. The only person Magnus has ever vowed to love forever.

Alec’s mouth quirks in amusement, a slight flush coming to his cheeks at the attention. ‘Magnus,’ he says gently.  
Magnus shakes himself. ‘Okay, I’m back,’ he teases. He closes the distance between them, reaching up to pull Alec into a brief kiss – pleased to find that his hair is justas soft as it looks. ‘You look wonderful, darling.’ He doesn’t often call Alexander that, but seeing him like this, it slips out as easy as breathing.  
Alec, for his part, glows shyly at the compliment. ‘Thanks. So do you.’ He offers his arm. ‘Shall we?’  
Magnus smiles, unable to contain his delight. Back when they started dating, he found Alec’s stumbling, slightly awkward ways when it came to romance exceedingly charming, and wondered if he’d miss them when Alec inevitably became more comfortable with this part of life. What a foolish thought, he muses. How could he have forgotten just how attractive _confidence_ is on someone like his Alexander?  
He takes his arm, and together they enter the restaurant.

The moment they do, Magnus feels Alec tense almost imperceptibly – and he can’t have that, so he devises a plan.  
Firstly, he lets Alec give the reservation, because although he knows his husband lacks some confidence in the etiquette department – an unfounded fear, but growing up fairly sheltered in Clave Institutes will do that to a person – Magnus wants to show Alec that he trusts him to handle this.  
‘Lightwood-Bane for eight o’clock?’ Alec says, and they’re shown to a table in the middle of the restaurant. From there, they’d have a view out of the windows on two sides, and it’s perfect in terms of comfortable lighting – bright enough to avoid eye strain, but dim enough to set the proper mood.  
But those factors aren’t Magnus’ priorities tonight, and he places a hand on the maître d'’s upper arm to briefly steal their attention. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, putting on a slightly embarrassed expression, ‘but I’m afraid my back’s acting up a little. Perhaps we could take one of the booths over there instead?’  
The maître d’ smiles sympathetically, agreeing to his request without a second thought, and Magnus meets Alec’s questioning glance with a wink that says _just trust me on this._  
Once they’re settled, Magnus can already see Alec relaxing. Their booth is at the corner of the restaurant, far from the door but providing Alec with a clear view of it as well as most of the other tables, solid walls on two sides of them. It’s the kind of position that his training will immediately recognise as _easily defensible. Safe. _Magnus had hoped it would help put his husband at ease, and from the descent of his shoulders and the small smile on his face, it seems to be working.

Finally, Magnus waves a hand, and a faintly shimmering wall – one that looks like no more than a heat mirage, even to those with the Sight – briefly flickers, before fading into complete invisibility. ‘Muffling glamour,’ Magnus explains. ‘Allows all sound in, but dampens that going out. After all, I wouldn’t want the whole restaurant eavesdropping later, when I tell you over dessert _exactly _how good that jacket looks on you.’  
Alec ducks his head in embarrassment, but his smile widens, and satisfaction settles over Magnus’ thoughts. The real reason for the muffling glamour is that he knows a lot of Alec’s discomfort comes from the fear of being scrutinised, of not matching up to expectations – especially in environments he’s less familiar with. The glamour will provide them with a little privacy, spare them some of that scrutiny by making them less noticeable.

Alec seems to enjoy their second visit to _Pagoda _a lot more than their first, and thus, Magnus does too.  
He looks across the table at his Shadowhunter – this wonderful man, who was entirely willing to spend his evening uncomfortable and on alert, just so they could have dinner somewhere Magnus particularly enjoyed. _My darling Alexander,_ he thinks, confused and a little saddened by what Simon told him earlier. _How can you not see that I’m the luckiest man alive to call you mine?_

***

The portal closes behind them, and Magnus turns to Alec with a smile. ‘Shall we have a nightcap to round off this lovely evening?’  
‘Why not? I’ll be back in a minute.’ Alec returns the smile, wandering towards the bedroom, and Magnus goes over to the drinks cabinet, trying to quell the flutter of anxiety in his gut. He’s realised that there’s no natural way to bring up what Simon told him, but perhaps alcohol will grease the wheels for a slightly heavier conversation than they’ve been enjoying thus far. Magnus carefully measures out the grenadine into each glass – Alec’s palate for cocktails has expanded exponentially in the time Magnus has known him, but his taste in drinks still runs quite sweet.

Drinks mixed, Magnus takes a seat on the couch facing the balcony, waving a hand to open the doors and let in some of the cool night air and gentle noise of the city. It really _has_ been a lovely evening, and he almost hates to dampen the mood with a serious topic. But if there’s nothing going on, they can move past it quickly – and if there _is_, it’s in both their best interests to talk it through sooner rather than later.

Alec reappears, sans jacket and shoes, coming to join him on the couch. Magnus hands him one of the glasses – managing to only be momentarily distracted by the way Alec’s pushed his shirt sleeves up to his elbows, baring his toned forearms. ‘There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,’ he begins, instantly aware that just that sentence has earned him Alec’s complete attention. ‘I spoke to Isabelle recently, and she mentioned something that… concerned me a little. Something you said.’ He makes a mental note to warn Isabelle about this conversation later – he doesn’t _actually _think that Simon would end up with any arrows sticking out of him, but an agreement is an agreement. ‘Something about you not deserving all this. That you don’t think you’re good enough for me.’

Alec’s face is stony, his movements stiff as he puts his glass down on the table in front of them. ‘I told her it was nothing to worry about,’ he says, and his mouth sets in a hard line. It’s abundantly clear he’d rather be talking about anything else, but Magnus has centuries of practice pushing past the signs that tell him to drop something.  
‘She didn’t realise she was betraying your confidence,’ he reassures. There’s no sense getting Isabelle in any more trouble than necessary. ‘She assumed you’d mentioned this to me when we reconciled.’  
Magnus leans forward, placing himself back in Alec’s eyeline. ‘Look – I’m not trying to catch you out, here. I’m not entitled to every thought in your head, only the ones you want to share with me. But if something’s troubling you, I want to help. I want you to know that you can talk to me about it.’

Alec’s still for a few moments; but then he sighs, sinking back into the couch, the fight visibly draining from him. Magnus decides to risk shuffling a little closer – supporting, but not crowding. ‘It’s fine, Magnus. It’s my issue, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to put it on you. Not out of some – some childish need for validation.’  
Magnus suppresses an exasperated smile. _So concerned about burdening me, and you still think you’re undeserving? _‘Well, take this as your official permission to stop worrying about that. If you want to tell me, I want to hear it.’

It’s a while before he gets an answer, but Magnus waits patiently. The right words aren’t always easy to find, after all. ‘I keep screwing up,’ Alec says finally, his voice low, confessional. ‘With you, with us. I can’t seem to stop it, and – I guess I’m worried that eventually, you’ll get sick of having to give me second chances.’  
‘Everybody makes mistakes, Alec. I don’t expect you to be perfect.’  
‘Yeah, but I’m not just talking about things like the other day,’ he protests. ‘I’m not just talking about having a short fuse, or arguing over house stuff. I mean the _big _stuff – like how we’re only together now because even after I yelled at you, you crashed my wedding to Lydia. Or how I screwed up with the Soul Sword thing.’

It takes Magnus a moment to respond, a little stunned. ‘Alec, all that’s in the past now. I thought we’d moved on from it.’  
‘Yeah, we did – because every time I messed up, you forgave me. And I hate that that’s our _pattern._’ He looks away from Magnus again, dragging a hand down his face. ‘And I’m afraid that one day, I’ll make one too many mistakes and you’ll realise that you deserve better. That you deserve someone who doesn’t leave you waiting for the next big fuck-up.’

Alec swallows hard, and when Magnus impulsively pulls him into a hug he goes willingly, burying his face in Magnus’ shoulder even though he doesn’t return the embrace.

Magnus takes a few deep breaths before he dares speak again, knowing he has to get this right. ‘Alexander. How many times have you stood by me when I tried to shut you out? Even when it made things difficult for you?’  
‘It’s not the same-‘  
‘It _is _the same thing,’ he says, interrupting the muffled contradiction. ‘It’s _exactly _the same, in all the ways that matter. Because this – what we have – only works if we’re each willing to believe that the other is doing his best, and if we’re willing to forgive each other.’ He pulls back a little, cupping Alec’s face in his hands. ‘I _know _you. You’re a good person. Rarely have I met anyone so determined to make the world a better place, and certainly none so willing to learn and to change their own ways to do so. Alec, every mistake I’ve ever known you to make was because you were trying to do the right thing.’ He laughs softly. ‘Do you know how _rare_ a quality that is?’

Alec doesn’t respond, but he looks less sorrowful now, which Magnus will take as progress. ‘I love you. I _married _you, Alexander, because you make me… _indescribably _happy. And no matter what happens – no matter how any of your future choices turn out – I trust you to follow your conscience.’ He presses a short, sweet kiss to his husband’s lips, smiling as he closes his eyes and rests their foreheads together. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’

Alec’s breaths are still a little shaky, but he loops his arms around Magnus’ waist. _Message received._

***

Alec still can’t quite understand how he got so lucky.  
But at least that small, scared part of him is quieting now. Beginning to accept that he did.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Do let me know what you thought! <3
> 
> Find me on tumblr:  
silver-latin-and-salt.tumblr.com


End file.
